Hard Choices

Monday was a hard day. I am still struggling with my upcoming milestone birthday. miss Pooky kitty was not feeling well last week, so we went for a visit to our fave Dr. Mona, the cat whisperer. Dr Mona and a vet student found crystals in Pooky’s bladder- sort of the human equivalent of kidney stones. New food, antibiotics, and we headed home. Things were going well, or so I believed.
Miss Pook was unresponsive on Monday morning. I called in as soon as Dr Mona’s office opened. by the time we rushed in a few minutes before our allocated time, Miss trash talking, shade throwing Cattitude was listless and lethargic. Frighteningly so. In my heart, I knew. 10 years was all I would get with her.
After an exam, some kind words from Dr Mona, and some serious evaluation about quality of life versus quantity, the decision was made.
Wrapped in my favorite towel, laying in her favorite spot on my chest, I said my goodbye.
My heart is still breaking. I have called for her at least three times today.
I keep turning my attention to all of my other fur kids, who need me. I still feel a loss. Actually, the LOSSES. MOllydog passed from breast cancer in June. Two weeks ago, our elderly adoptee Daisy passed. Now PookyKitty.
I don’t do well with grief. I know I made the right choice to let her have a quality life and a dignified passing.
I still hurt.

Courage

Hello all-

Well, I’m still slogging it out here in the world of indie publishing. This month, I decided to try for B&N local author day in the city. I won’t hear anything for a week and I am anxious. I know I will either make the cut or not. That is a given. I’m just hoping I make it but I am expecting the turn down.
I am also the featured author for first Friday in July in Emporia. WOW. A little nervous about that too. I have friends coming from around Kansas to hear me read. Double wow. I tell myself my hard work is paying off. I guess it is.
I am much better at encouraging others. I am learning how to to it for myself.
I will keep you all updated on how things go.
until next time. thanks for hanging in there with me-
angel

Double Dose of Grief

This week has been hard.
Maybe that’s not the right word.
Heartbreaking. Rough. Raw.
My best friend, Molly the Maremma mountain dog, lost her battle with breast cancer on Thursday. She was loving, too damn smart for her own good, gun shy, and always happy. I was HER person. My lap was the safest place in the universe. She loved me. No matter what. She loved me.
I miss her. I miss EVERYTHING about her. That deep bark at anything that moved. Snoring louder than I do. Grumbling and slapping the crate door when it was time to get up. Even her tearing hell out of three extra large dog crates, my back yard, my favorite silk skirt, and my chain link fence. Her obnoxiously ringing the large jingle bells on the back door when she wanted out for the third time in the last hour. To have her gallop across the yard and snort on the barn cats, just to make them hiss and grumble. I would happily endure all of that all over again. Every minute of the frustration was precious. I was her momma from the time I retrieved her from that tiny kennel in a back yard, because she wasn’t small and cute anymore.
My house was her forever home and I was her forever fur mom. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I know she would want me to pour all of my love on the rest of the critters here. And I am trying.
Right now, I have a job but the agency I work for hasn’t had any new clients admitted. That means I have no work hours.
A second dose of grief.
I bounce between the stages of grief. Sometimes several times a day. Like one of those blue rubber balls in a fierce game of handball.
Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.
I miss you, fluppy lap puppy. You were taken from me all too soon.
Love,
your fur-ever momma

Double Dose of Grief

It’s a sad time for me. I lost my furry best friend. My Molly, a Maremma mountain dog, lost her battle with breast cancer on Thursday.
I was HER person. She was stubborn, too damn smart for her own good, and loving. If she didn’t like someone, then I knew to be on guard. I would often see her curled up outside in her chair with one of the barn cats. One day this spring, when it was cold, she sat outside of her house and kept looking from me to the doghouse and back. She had a pitiful look. I went to investigate, and found Mamma Grumpy Cat comfortably ensconced inside. Much to Molly’s delight, and Grumpy’s dismay, I shooed kitty out. That really summed up her personality.
I buried her here at the farm. That way, she can still keep watch over me and the farm, like she enjoyed.
Over the last few days, I find myself wanting to call her name. I miss her at my side. I wish I could hear her deep bark. I would LOVE for her to misbehave and aggravate me again one more time. To listen to her grumble and snore in her sleep. For her to slap the door of her kennel to tell me it is time to get up. For her big wet footprints to dirty my floors.Ten years with my fluppy lap puppy wasn’t long enough.
I gave her a forever home. She tore hell out of three extra-large dog crates and my chain link fence, hated fireworks and thunderstorms, dug holes in my yard and under my house, barked at anything that moved and frustrated the hell out of me some days. BUT EVERY MINUTE OF IT WAS WORTH IT! She knew she was loved. I was her forever momma. If she was upset or scared, she wanted to sit on my lap because she knew she was safe and loved. This was HOME.
I find myself bouncing between the stages of grief like a game of handball.
Oh, and right now I have a job but no clients, no hours, and no income of my own. Got that news a few days before…
A double dose of grief. Just what I didn’t want.
For now, I will bounce around, work through things, give my love to the rest of the furry and feathered critters here on the farm. I can’t stop being Mom because I am sad. Molly would want me to take good care of everyone. But most of all, she wouldn’t want me to be unhappy.

Goodbye, my sweet and gentle girl. Know you were loved.
your forever fur momma,
love,
me

Spring Rains

Hello my freaky ones!
My writer is having an awful day and since my site is having a few rough spots, I decided to borrow her blog for the day.
Don’t get me wrong. My writer has an awesome computer tech person helping her. It’s just a bit of a difficulty for now. (AND I do keep locking myself out of it because I forgot the details.)
I’m borrowing her blog for the day. Here in Kansas, we’ve had a week of rainy weather. Which is fine for the hay and the frogs, but not so much for my writer. It really brings her down. I can’t even get her to sit under the therapy light today and she’s sitting in bed! (which she almost NEVER does) At least she’s watching some Dr Who- the new stuff.
Anyway, I’m keeping her company. I hope I can get her to at least go out for some groceries. Her diet this last week has been appalling. She needs more greens and such…
My writer has been working on the next book. It’s not her fault things are taking so long. Several of us are telling her our stories and she has to figure out how to arrange the memories into a readable and concise book. Not an easy task by any means. PLEASE be patient with her. She’s doing the best she can at this point.
Today, I will see if I can get her to eat something, have a bit of coffee, and maybe get her dressed. (I did get her to go shower! Small victories and all.)
A bit thanks to Em S for keeping the sites up and running. I’m off to go make some coffee and see if I can get my writer to at least have a cuppa and get dressed. (Maybe she will put on her Ariellah darker still shirt and some leggings for the day?)
Be well. Be good to each other. I will let you know when I get back into my blog site. For today I’m my writer’s keeper.
xoxoxo
IsystheVampire

Spring Contemplation

Hello all-

here in Kansas it is spring. that means controlled burning, air quality issues, and breathing difficulties for me. thankfully, the great swaths of sooty land will be green in a few days.
this is also the time of year when the flowers are out in full bloom. my spring bulbs my dad and I planted 13 years ago are out in their fancy dress. they are a source of joy for me, but also makes me miss Dad.
my husband and I spent our Easter at home. our quiet weekend was busy. controlled burn of my pasture, neighbor horses loose, and me penning mine up to keep them from talking smack and aggravating things were part of the adventure. neighbors helped and the wayward ponies were returned uninjured and tired, with only a few honks and minimal traffic interruption.
our weather is mercurial and variable. we are switching from cool and rainy to warm and sunny with no rhyme or reason. I am grateful for the rains as they will transform the burned and blackened scars on the landscape to lush green grass seemingly overnight. I am eager for the change.
Wishing all of you Happy Easter, Happy Passover, or however you choose to celebrate the renewal.
until later
angel

Spring

Hello all,

Here in the Flint Hills region, it is finally sprint. The grass is emerging.Birds are singing. Flowers are blooming. AND the farmers and ranchers are burning.
yes. burning.
The fires stimulate the grasses and stop the growth of invasive plant species. It looks like the whole area is one big brush fire. This is done on a rotational basis.
It’s not easy for me. Growing up, if you burned the grass, you didn’t have any grazing for the year. I fight the momentary panic, my allergies, and my asthma every spring. Thankfully, the season only lasts a few weeks before it’s over for another year.
I love to have my windows open to enjoy the fresh and warm air. The soft breeze changes and BAM! My house is filled with smoke. I am hoping that since most of my neighbors burned last year, I will get a reprieve.
Enough of my whining. PLEASE be safe. DO NOT drive into the smoke. You can’t see where the fire is and you might get caught in it if you drive into the smoke. If there are barricades or personnel that tell you to stop and wait, or to take a detour, DO IT. They know the area and the management plan. If you have to wait, know that it won’t take very long before it will be safe to travel.
If the worst does happen, remember black and blue. Black for the already burned areas. Blue for water. Should you find yourself in the fire’s path, move into an already burned area- the black. If you can’t do that, find some water- the blue.
The sight of the fires moving over the hillsides is dramatic to watch. Please make sure when you do observe, you do so safely.
This early morning, I am granted a reprieve. There’s too much wind for a burn right now as the sun creeps up over the horizon. So I will enjoy my coffee and a peaceful sunrise.
Be safe all
angel

Blown Away

Hello all!

IsystheVampire’s blog site is still experiencing difficulties. (As you can guess, she’s not happy about it but she’s being patient.) We are grateful for the team working to get it back up, BUG FREE, and running.
We’ve finally broken out of the Polar Vortex to have a cyclone bomb be dropped on Denver. How does this affect Kansas? Specifically, central and eastern Kansas? It means we had rain all day yesterday, after rain and snow and a brief dry out, to be slammed today with high winds bringing sustained wind gusts. We are actually in a wind warning.
For those of you who don’t understand, Kansas has winds. 10-15 mph for us is a light, normal breeze. We don’t bat an eye at much less than 25 mph. Today, we have 30-50+ gusts and sustained winds around 30-40 mph.
Kansans did secure lawn furniture, trash cans, small children and pets, and anything else light enough to get tossed by strong winds.
I am avoiding road travel until late today. I’m not a fan of the car in the other lane suddenly being thrown into yours, and possibly ONTO you.
I am grateful for shelter. I am grateful for the mud drying out. I am grateful for the peeks of sunshine I am getting today.
Please, all of you stay safe out there.
until next time,
angel

Snow Fun

Hello all!
I spent my weekend among some very interesting people. Every year, a bunch of us get together for a weekend. This year was no exception.
I do love this gathering. I forget how important it is for me to be with different groups of writers, fans, and other artists. The connections recharge me and revitalize my creativity.

Make sure you do something for yourself to give your creativity a boost. Don’t dismiss the value of getting a recharge for your artistic side.

stay warm and well

angel

Deep Freeze?

Hello all.
Lately the weather here in Kansas has been mercurial to say the least. Add to that some gray days when my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is acting up, stress over loss of hours due to no clients, and I tend to be blah. To combat the SAD, I have to sit beneath a special light that mimics sunlight, exercise regularly, and make sure to get my vitamin D. I am sitting under my light right now, looking at the darkening sky, watching the cold wind blow, and waiting to thaw out.
Tomorrow, we are supposed to warm up for the day before plummeting back into the freezer. It’s been a colder than normal first two months of the year. I am hoping that the next couple of months will be a bit more favorable to us.

I have been doing some beta reading for a chap named James K Burk. He has written several books in different genres and a book of short stories. The one I’m reading as a beta is a post-apocalyptic western and it is GOOD. Sci-fi, fantasy, and short stories- he is a man of many genres.
Stay warm. Be good to each other.

Angel